In Conversation
by fennecfawkes
Summary: Neville/Harry. Dialogue fic. Snippets of conversations between the Boy Who Lived and the one who killed the snake. Other characters make cameo appearances every now and again. I didn't invent these guys.
1. Things More Important Than Quidditch

"Hey, Nev."

"Hey, Harry. Where is everyone else?"

"Still celebrating, I think. Apparently the Quidditch Cup means more than anything else in the world. Seriously, I don't think they'd be this excited if Voldemort up and died."

"Well, the school needs cheering up, right?"

"I doubt the other houses are this happy."

"Fair point. So why are you in bed, then? I thought you were off with Ginny."

"I was. But then she tried to kiss me again, and I just told her—I told her I wasn't interested."

"You're not?"

"No."

"Everyone thought you were."

"Well, I thought I was, too. Then she kissed me, and then I could only think about other things, other people ... well, another person, really."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

(Pause.)

"That's too bad, then. I'm sorry, mate."

"Don't be. It's better for both of us if she doesn't get attached."

"That's true."

"And I've been thinking of doing something, saying something to the, to the other person."

"Yeah? Do you know how she feels?"

"He. How he feels. And no. I have a guess, but, God, Nev, I'm so cocky all the time, but I'm dreadful at this kind of thing. It's like, sure, dragons, whatever, sphinxes, death, I can handle all that, but boys? Romance? Nothing."

"I'm sure you'd be great at it if you tried."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Brilliant."

"Well, thanks."

(Pause.)

"Hey, Neville?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you fancy anyone?"

"Yeah. But I don't know if he'd want me."

"He?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I could've guessed. It's just that you're so shy. I maybe thought you reproduced on your own."

(Laughter.)

"Who is it?"

Someone. A boy."

"I'd sorted that part out on my own."

"Well, shit, Harry. Take a wild guess, would you?"

(Laughter, shaky this time.)

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"How long?"

"Remember that time in the D.A. when I disarmed you for the first time and you pretended like it was this big impressive thing, even though you weren't paying attention until it happened?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Then."

"Well, you can probably guess when it happened for me."

"Humor me. No idea."

"You told me you and your gran believed me. And that, and the way you believed I wasn't the heir of Slytherin, and the way you believed that I didn't put my name in the Goblet of Fire..."

"I never said anything about those other two."

"No. But I knew. Can I...?"

"Sure."

"Mmm. It's warmer here than it is in my bed. How do you do that?"

"My feet practically freeze off without a Warming Charm. Also, two bodies and all that."

"Right. You're really warm, too."

"Yeah. I don't think that's the charm. I think that's the bodies. Body, rather."

"I really like you, Neville."

"I really like you, too, Harry. Who do we tell, then?"

"Everyone."

"Really?"

"Yes. I don't like secrets unless they're necessary."

"Alright."

(Quiet, interrupted by...)

"You're a good kisser."

"I haven't had any practice."

"I've only kissed two girls, and I was dead clumsy."

"You're not clumsy anymore."

(Prolonged quiet.)

"See why we have to tell everyone? Otherwise we're just going to be snogging in the hallways and they'll be able to piece it together on their own."

"So you're going to be snogging me in the hallways?"

"Yes. And you're going to be snogging me."

"You sure about that?"

"I'm sure."

(Breathless laughter.)

"What's so—Oi! What are you two doing?"

"What's it look like, Ron?"

"You two? Really? What about my sister?"

"She's fine. But she's not Neville Longbottom."

"You realize this is mental, right? No offense, Neville."

"None taken."

"It's just ... you! And blokes!"

"I know. It was weird for me, too. But would you just look at his face, Ron? So handsome. Such nice cheekbones and eyes and mouth, oh, this glorious mouth..."

"Alright, I'm very happy for both of you. But for the love of God, don't make me watch, OK?"

"Fine. We'll just draw these curtains, then, add a Silencing Charm here, and there we go."

"Thanks. And, hey. Good on you guys."

"Thanks, Ron."

(Pause, then laughter.)

"Now, where were we?"


	2. After The War

(A battery of satisfied noises, with a gasp here and there.)

"You're alive. God. You're alive."

"So are you. How did you do it? I could never kill it."

"Dunno. I just looked down, and the hat was right there, and, I don't know, I just had to reach in."

"I've never seen you with a sword before. Pretty sexy."

"Yeah, well, you died, and you're alive now. If that's not sexier, I don't know what is."

"It's not that big a deal. I chose to die, so I was able to come back."

"Still doesn't make any sense to me."

"And it's not going to. Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. All that matters is I'm here. And you are, too. We both survived, probably because we're both stupid and reckless and in love."

"Oh, I suppose now's a good time to say that, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Did you hear yourself?"

"Oh. Yeah. I love you. What of it?"

(Laughter.)

"I love you, too. It was shit without you here."

"It couldn't possibly have been as shit as it was for me out there. Me, and Ron, and Hermione. Why did I ever convince you to stay behind?"

"Someone needed to be here."

"Should've been one of them, not you."

"Yeah, well, too late for that."

(Prolonged silence.)

"I missed this so much."

"So did I."

"So, no turning to Luna in my absence?"

"Shut it. No turning to Hermione in mine?"

"Oh, come on. You knew how that was going to end up."

"Did you ever have to see them ... do anything?"

"Just snogging. It was terrible."

"I guess we know how Ron feels now."

"No. No. We are _way _better looking than they are."

"I suppose that's fair."

(Pause.)

"Oh. _Wow_. When'd you learn to do that?"

"I was pretty bored when I wasn't getting tortured or sneaking runaways through portrait holes."

"I was going to make a joke about how I should let you get tortured more often, but I got—"

"Distracted?"

"Yes. Oh, God, yes. Did you lock and double lock and triple lock the door?"

"Of course I did, Harry. Besides, it's not like anyone's coming up to Gryffindor Tower anyway. They're all, you know, grieving."

"Oh. Yeah. We should probably be doing that, too, right?"

"They're going to be dead forever. We have time."

"True. When'd you become such a jaded bastard?"

"When I realized how much it turns you on."

(Laughter.)

"Besides, you wouldn't believe the grieving I did in those two minutes I thought you were dead. Worst two minutes of my life."

"Well, I'm not. And I'm here. And you have me forever now."

"And you have me, too. But you already knew that."

"Seriously, how'd you kill it? It seemed impenetrable. There was a time we were in Bathilda Bagshot's house, and she'd been killed, and the snake was posing as her, and we just couldn't get at it."

"Wait. The _snake _was posing as an old lady?"

"Yes. But that's not the important part. The important part is somehow I can kill Voldemort but I couldn't face down that damned snake. And you could. You're stronger than I am, Nev. Just don't tell anyone I said so."

"I won't."

(More satisfied noises.)

"No one else calls me 'Nev,' you know."

"I know. I thought you'd notice me more if I was, you know, cuter than everyone else."

"You always were."

"I tried really, really hard."

"You saved the world. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. It was selfish of me, though."

"How on earth was it selfish?"

"Because all I was thinking about was you. 'I have to get back to him,' 'I have to do this for him and his Gran,' 'I have to honor our parents,' all this Hufflepuff bullshit."

(Brief pause.)

"Are you crying?"

"No. Yes. A little. It's just ... Harry, no one's ever, well, I want to say thanks, but that seems so cheap."

"You know what wouldn't be cheap? Snogging."

"That's what we've been doing throughout this entire conversation."

"I know. But, I mean, we could concentrate now. We've gotten all the sentimental bits out of the way. Now we can get to the good part."

"The good part, huh? And what's that?"

"I think you already know, Nev."

"Show me."

"You're on."


	3. I Got Whipped A Few Times!

"I don't know why you had to throw a party."

"It wasn't a party. It was just a few dozen friends coming over for dinner and cake and a banner reading 'Congratulations, Neville.'"

"Harry, that's a party by definition."

"Well, OK. But is it really wrong for me to be proud of my boyfriend when he gets a promotion?"

"I suppose it's worthwhile pride."

"You're the assistant to the department head of Improper Use of Magic. You bet your fine, fine ass it's worthwhile."

"I didn't throw a party for you when you finished your Auror training."

"No, but you did suck me off every night for a week. I have to think that's better somehow."

"Better even than cake?"

"Yes, even that."

(Prolonged silence, interrupted by laughter.)

"Oh, hi, Hermione, Ron. Didn't realize you were still here."

"We could tell."

"We thought you might need help cleaning up."

"Clean up Grimmauld Place? What's the point?"

"Oh, shut it. You know it's going to look gorgeous by the end of the summer."

"I hope so. It helps that this one's richer than rich. How many vaults do you have in Gringotts again, Harry?"

"Sod off. You're cute, but that doesn't mean I can't get mad at you."

"You never have so far."

"Off the point. Sure, you guys can help. I can't promise I won't kiss him, though."

"You saw our first kiss, mate. There's no shame here. Just, no further than that, OK? You're my friends. I don't want to see it."

"But Ron, Nev is _so cute_."

"So's Hermione, and you don't see me snogging her all over the place."

"We don't?"

"I echo my wife's sentiments in saying this: shut it. You need help finishing that cake?"

"Have at. So, Hermione. When's that baby coming?"

(Gasp, followed by conversation muffled by hugs.)

"How could you tell, Neville?"

"Had a hunch."

"Well, we've been married for three months, so I'd say ... six months, you think?"

"A honeymoon baby. How cute."

"Was that sarcasm, Harry?"

"No! It actually is cute! God, I can't wait. I always wanted a baby I could dote on without actually accepting any responsibility."

"Well, now's your chance. Between you and my mum, this kid's going to be spoiled beyond belief."

"And she'll be adorable."

"Yes, he will."

"I take it you're not finding out the gender, then?"

"No. Oh, shit, morning sickness is coming early. We should go before I get this room even dirtier."

"Well, congratulations. Again."

(The sound of Apparition.)

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Kids."

"I know."

"Think that one'll be in Ravenclaw or Gryffindor?"

"Harry, it's still a fetus."

"Just conjecturing. Does it ever make you think maybe we're falling a bit behind? I mean, Hermione and Ron are already married. Now, they're having a baby. And we're just dating."

"Ron and Hermione have been at least half in love since they were 12. I don't think we need to catch up just yet."

"So what you're saying is in three years, we start thinking about becoming adults."

"Sounds about right."

"And for now we'll only go halfway, with jobs and a house and, I don't know, maybe a pet sometime."

"And a garden and a greenhouse and a makeshift Quidditch pitch in the backyard."

"Yeah, all of those, too."

"It really is convenient, all that money you have."

"I know. It can go toward that sex dungeon I've been saving up for since my first erection. Hey, what's that horrified look for? I'm just joking!"

"What exactly goes into a sex dungeon, anyway?"

"Not sure, really. A swing. A leather suit."

"So no moats and no dragons."

"You're thinking of Muggle fairy tale dungeons. There's a difference, I think."

"Too bad. I always fancied the idea of having a dragon."

"I bested one of those once, you know. Twice, actually."

"I know. I was there, and I heard that story at least eight times in the month after you came back, courtesy of Ron."

"He really likes that story."

"And poor me, all I have to say is 'I got whipped a few times!'"

"That's way sexier, though. Oh, whips. I bet you have those in a sex dungeon."

"You should quit talking about this before I start taking you seriously."

"You know me, Nev. You know I like my perfectly normal, non-kinky shags and post-shag cuddles."

"I know. I like those, too."

"Speaking of which..."

"Sometimes it seems like you think about nothing but my cock, all day, ever day."

"Not true. Sometimes I think about your eyes, and the way they go wide when I—"

"Oi! Don't say it out loud. I know what you mean, and I'd rather you show me so you can see them again."

"Shall we race?"

"I think we shall."

(Laughter and noises of stomping up the stairs, followed by a loud creak.)

"This bed's so old. We need to replace it."

"Mmm, maybe when we get married. For now, it serves its purposes."

"And what are those?"

"Hey, you're supposed to show me that, not me show you."

"Fine. I can do that."

(Prolonged silence and general moans of satisfaction.)

"I could never get sick of this."

"I know."

"Nev, you're supposed to say 'Neither could I.'"

"Oh. Well. Neither could I, then."

"You're supposed to mean it."

"I do!"

"And you're supposed to say you love me for everything I am and that you've never been so turned on by anything as much as my scar."

"Prat. You know all that already. Except it's not the scar that gets me, really. It's the eyes. And the hips, and the collarbones, and the mouth."

"Mmm. Your turn to show me."

"Gladly."


	4. Muggle Suits

"Good morning, Mr. Potter."

"And a very good morning to you, Mr. Potter."

"What are you up to today?"

"Oh, the usual. Make sure the temperature control spells are working out in the greenhouse. Go to Diagon Alley for some new gardening gloves. Fetch dinner for my lazy husband. Play chess with said husband before having lots and lots of sex."

"Sounds like a nice day there. You aren't getting your husband lunch, though? Just dinner?"

"Well, in case my husband hasn't noticed, it's already after noon and we're eating waffles. I'd say lunch is out of the question."

"God. This is making me sick. Good thing we've been shut-ins since we got married."

"Really. I suppose we should get over the word 'husband' before we properly leave the house."

"That's going to be hard. It's such a good word."

"I don't understand why all married couples don't just replace their given names with 'husband' and 'wife' all the time."

"That's because, Nev, they're jaded and dissatisfied with each other. We're not."

"Yet."

"Yeah, I was leaving that part off."

"Only joking."

"You know I can tell, right?"

"Of course you can. You're very bright that way."

(The crack of Apparition.)

"See, Hermione? I told you they wouldn't be having sex. At least, not in the kitchen."

"Thus why we Apparated here rather than the bedroom. Hello, boys. We've missed you."

"We've missed you, too, Hermione. We just didn't want to leave the house for a while. We're very disgustingly in love, you know."

"Yeah, Harry can't stop saying the word 'husband' and singing 'Tiptoe Through the Tulips.'"

"Only half of that's true."

"I hope it's the second half. Harry's got a horrible singing voice."

"Oi! It's not that bad! Anyway, nice to see you both. What's the occasion?"

"We were wondering if you were going to the Ministry gala tonight."

"No. No desire to do that, none whatsoever."

"That's just him talking. I don't have a problem with galas. And he doesn't, either. At least, he won't after seeing me in a Muggle suit."

"You have a Muggle suit?"

"I have three."

"And you'll wear one?"

"I can even switch into another after the gala."

"Well, if Nev's going to wear a Muggle suit, then I _guess_ we'll go."

"I suppose you want us to wear Muggle clothes, then, too?"

"Most everyone will be. Young crowd. No higher-ups at this one."

"And Hermione, you do look amazing in that red dress you wore to Bill and Fleur's wedding a few years ago."

"I didn't wear a red dress to Bill and Fleur's wedding."

"You didn't?"

"No."

"Oh. Well. Do you have a red dress?"

"Yes."

"You should wear that."

"Brilliant. Ron's wearing his dress robes from fourth year, Nev's wearing one of three Muggle suits, Hermione's wearing her mythical red dress, and, wait, what do I wear?"

"I am _not _wearing dress robes. Especially those dress robes."

"Harry, you can borrow one of my suits."

"You're three inches taller than me!"

"Well, we'll go over to Burberry, then, get you something pretty."

"You're going to run me out of money someday."

"Have I told you guys how many Gringotts vaults Harry has?"

"Yes, Neville, you have."

"Fine. Then I won't tell you again that Harry has three Gringotts vaults. Whoops. Sorry."

"God, he's gotten cheeky."

"I know. We should get out of here, let them do their shopping."

"Bye, guys. We'll see you later."

(The crack of Disapparition.)

"We're not going to that gala, are we?"

"We should."

"But we're not, right? You're going to check the spells and get yourself some gloves and pick up dinner and we'll eat and play chess and shag?"

"I dunno, Harry. No one knows we're alive except Ron and Hermione, and they think they're going to see us there."

"They won't mind."

"They won't?"

"Well, they might. But it won't be lasting anger. I've never had a fight with Ron that lasted more than a few months."

"Well, that's reassuring."

"Who needs other people, anyway?"

"Not you, apparently."

(Sighing.)

"You really want to go, don't you?"

"It's not that I really _want _to, it's that we _should_. Think of it as part of our return to the land of the living. And we'll both go back to work on Monday, and it'll be just like before we got married. Except, you know, we wear rings now."

"Do we have to stay long?"

"No. We'll go, I'll show off how good looking my husband is, all the girls will cry when they get their final confirmation that the Boy Who Lived is both bent and taken, we'll get Seamus and Dean drunk enough to start doing body shots, and we'll come back here and shag. We can hold off on the chess part."

"I suppose there will be pretty good food."

"Probably, yeah."

"And Hermione said no higher-ups, so lots of irresponsible people overdoing it."

"Yeah. And that could be fun to watch."

"Could be. Do we have to go shopping, then?"

"We do. But not Burberry. Not really. It's just fun, you know, knowing we could go there if we wanted."

"Then why not go?"

"You're already better looking than me. I don't want to magnify it by putting you in a prettier suit."

"Fair point."


	5. Tiny Old Men

"It would be a lot easier to do this if babies were at all cute."

"Oh, God. Please don't start this again."

"Come on, Nev. You know they're hideous. They're like tiny old men with their wrinkles and their wrong-colored skin and their lack of control over their bowel movements."

"I'm well aware of your feelings regarding infants, Harry. That doesn't change the fact that Ron and Hermione are going to ask us to be this one's godfathers, too, and we're going to say yes and tell them how beautiful the little creature is ad nauseum."

"Did they have to do that thing, with the opposite-letter naming?"

"What thing?"

"You didn't notice? Ron, Hermione, Hugo, and Rose?"

"Oh. Oh, wow. That's terrible."

"I know."

"I mean, that's worse than naming all your kids names that start with the same letter."

"I know! And you want to endorse this behavior?"

(Sigh.)

"Harry..."

"Neville..."

"Don't mock me."

"I will if I want to. Are we there yet?"

"What are you, nine years old?"

"Sorry, I'm just not used to driving all the way to a Muggle hospital. Good job, by the way. I can hardly tell you don't have a Muggle driver's license."

"Shut it. They'll hear you."

"Who?"

"The imaginary police who have been following us all the way here. And yes, we are here now."

"Alright, then. Babies are born on the fifth floor, Ron said, and then they're taken across the floor to this kind of holding pen, and why didn't Ron and Hermione go to the same hospital as they did last time again?"

"Because Hermione wasn't satisfied with the service."

"They got the baby out of her. How's that not satisfactory service?"

"Such a git. Hi, Ginny!"

"Hello, boys. Just so you know, Rose is even uglier than Hugo was."

"Didn't realize that was possible."

"You two! Infants aren't that bad!"

"But you'd never call them cute."

"Not voluntarily, no. How's Dean, Ginny?"

"He's great. Bit squeamish about coming to see Hermione so close to when her vagina's been ripped apart at the seams, though. Sorry! Sorry! That's the fourth time I've gotten a dirty look from an orderly. I suppose they're just used to my dirty mouth at St. Mungo's."

"Did you set a date yet?"

"Yes, it's going to be right around Christmas, the 22nd. That way everyone'll be in town anyway. You know you'll both be in the wedding, right? Only if you want to. This isn't a 'You must be our baby's godfathers' situation."

"We'd be honored."

"Speak for yourself."

"Shut it, Harry, and accept the responsibility of being one of my dearest friends in the world, and certainly the ponciest."

"_I'm _the ponciest? Have you seen the way Nev dresses?"

"Oi!"

"Kidding, dear. Where are you going, anyway? You do know they're on the fifth floor, right?"

"Yeah, I was just coming down here to get some air. Got it now. I'll go with you two."

"This elevator has nothing on the Ministry's."

"Let's face it, boys. This _world _has nothing on ours."

"Too right. So, even uglier, huh?"

"So very, very ugly. It's the red hair, I think. Hugo's hideous face was nullified by his soft brown hair. Rose, she's got this little sprig of red on top of a very pale, very round head."

"She sounds perfectly awful."

"You two are terrible. Can't you just think about the miracle of life or something?"

"I see why you fell for him, Harry. Such a sweetheart."

"You should hear him try to talk dirty. So adorable!"

"Bugger off, both of you. This is our floor."

(The sound of bombardment by Weasleys.)

"Yes, yes, it's great to see all of you. Now, where's the happy couple and the new baby?"

(Footsteps. A door opening and closing.)

"Oh, look, Rosie, it's your Uncles Harry and Neville!"

"We heard she was ugly."

"Harry!"

"She is, mate. But she's the most beautiful ugly little girl I've ever seen."

"Typically, things that come out of there are pretty ugly. She's quite glamorous by comparison. You want to hold her?"

"Blimey, Hermione. You sound like Ginny after you give birth. And yeah, I'll take her. Hi, Rose. I'm Neville. That guy over there, Harry? He's the poncey one."

"We already agreed that's you!"

"No, you and Ginny agreed. I'm holding the baby. I get to decide now. Wow, she smells amazing. How does that work? Shouldn't she smell like, I don't know, shit and intestines?"

"You're a poet, Neville. If she starts crying, I can take her back and flash both of you."

"Yeah, breasts really get me going, so that'll be a treat."

"Shut it, Harry. My wife has a great rack. Even a poof like you'll appreciate that."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

"Do I get my turn now?"

"Fine."

"Oh, you're right, she does smell good. It's like they come out all shampooed and ready to go."

"I think it's something the doctors did. They were much better this time. If we have another one, Ron, this is where we're going."

"Let's not talk about having another one right now. You're not thinking clearly enough yet for me to show you the bill."

"You better not show me the bill till she's 18."

"Alright, then."

"Oh. Oh. She started crying. Oh, shit, I'm sorry, what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, she's just hungry."

"So we do get to see Hermione's breasts, then?"

"You're the only person in this room who hasn't, Nev. Have at."

"Wait, when—"

"You think the three of us shared a tent for seven months and _didn't _see each other's everything?"

"That's fair, I suppose."

"Neville, you don't have to feel weird about it. The most exciting bits are going to be obscured by this girl's massive head anyway."

"You're all going to give her a complex before she's even conscious of her own existence."

"See, Ron? I told you at least one of them cares."

"Oi! I care! I care loads!"

"You'll be godfathers again, right? Or do you like Hugo that much more than this one?"

"Of course we will, Ron. Wait. I mean, I will. Harry? You?"

"I guess if he's doing it, then I will, too. Oh, shit, Nev, we forgot their gifts!"

"You got us gifts? Oh, you two are just the sweetest, most wonderful—"

"Remember, she's still on drugs. No idea what she's saying right now."

"We can give them the gifts later. But preferably when Hermione is still on drugs. She's so lovely right now."

"We should probably get going now, anyway. It's almost dinnertime and I'm absolutely certain Harry forgot to feed Zod this morning."

"Oh, I just remembered that I forgot to feed Zod this morning."

"You were never like this with Hedwig, rest her soul."

"He's a dog. Dogs seem more self sufficient is all."

"Anyway, we love you both. And Rose. She's great. I bet you'll have her doing tricks in no time."

(A chorus of goodbyes, followed by the crack of Apparition.)

"Wow, you really wanted to get out of there, didn't you?"

"Well, you know, you, holding a baby, being so gentle, it's kind of a turn-on, Nev."

"Is there anything in this world that doesn't turn you on?"

"Death. Losing the Snitch. American accents. Hold on, I can think of more. Oh! The game of golf. And those crocheted tea cozies your Gran's always making us. I can't get it up if there's one in my field of vision."

"You are the biggest git I have ever met."

"I know. You love it. What doesn't turn you on, Nev?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Insects. Unforgivable Curses. Frozen soil. You thought of five, right?"

"Right. Two to go."

"Babies. Those do nothing for me. And golf. I also derive no sexual pleasure from the game of golf."

"Well, then, let's avoid all thoughts of death, losing the Snitch, American accents, golf, crocheted tea cozies, insects, Unforgivable Curses, frozen soil, and babies for the next long while. Instead, I'll think about your eyes, and your chest, and that scar that runs parallel to your spine that you like having kissed so much."

"Perfect. And I'll think about your eyes, and your collarbones, and the semi-permanent bruise I put on your right hip."

"Brilliant. Your mouth does have a way about it, Mr. Potter."

"As does yours, Mr. Potter. Care to show me?"

"I'd be much obliged."


	6. The Cutest Drunk

"You are, without question, the cutest drunk I've ever seen."

"I appreciate that. Really, I do. Are we home yet?"

"Two more blocks. Anyway, as I was saying, you are adorable, but you are also really damned heavy. When'd you get so fat?"

"I'm not fat, I just haven't played Quidditch in a while."

"It has been a bit, hasn't it?"

"Do you really think I'm fat, Nev? Do you?"

"Oh, God. I forgot you get emotional when you're pissed."

"No, I don't. I just want to know if you think I'm fat."

"I don't. You're perfect. You're in peak shape."

"Shut it. I haven't been in peak shape since ... when were we in school?"

"You _are _drunk, aren't you?"

"You wouldn't let me Apparate. So, yes, I think I must be."

"It's not that I don't trust you to get back home. It's that I don't want to clean up my lovely husband's vomit from all over our carpet."

"You could make Kreacher do it."

"Harry, Kreacher died."

"I know. I was joking."

"Were you?"

"Sod off."

"That's the thanks I get for propping you up for the past six blocks?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Neville. I love you."

"I know you do."

"I do! You don't believe me, but I do. You're smart and you're sexy and you hold your liquor _so well_."

"That's a new one."

"You love me, too, right?"

"Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be physically bringing you home."

"Physically. You want to shag when we get home?"

"No. No, I really don't."

"But Neville, why?"

"Consider the obvious."

"I'm not that drunk."

"You are that drunk."

"But I'm sure I'm still brilliant."

"I'm sure you're not. We've tried it before. You probably don't remember, but we have."

"When?"

"New Year's last year."

"We shagged then?"

"Exactly."

"You know, you could probably get me to do whatever you wanted right now."

"You know I like my sex very vanilla and very formulaic, Harry."

"Yeah, you do. I love you."

"You said that."

"You're supposed to say, 'I love you, too, Harry.'"

"Fine. I love you, too, Harry, even when you're fall down stone drunk."

"Which I am."

"Hope you're ready for some toast."

(Door opens, door closes.)

"Do I get butter and jam? Or honey? Ooh, do we have honey? I want that."

"Yes, we do, and no, you don't get that. Remember, I don't want to clean up your sick."

"Honey would sit well."

"I seem to recall proof to the contrary."

"Why do you have to remember everything?"

"The same reason you have to forget. It's just our roles in this relationship."

"Thanks for walking me home."

"You're sobering up, aren't you? Bloody savior of the world is even good at snapping himself back to reality post-drinking."

"I love the way you talk."

"I sound like an idiot right now. It's late, and despite what you say, I don't hold my liquor particularly well."

"So you were drunkenly walking me home, then?"

"Not drunkenly, per se. Just not entirely soberly. Here. Eat. And drink."

"Water, too? Slave driver."

"I know. I know."

"It's cute, you know, when you take care of me."

"All part of my job. The husband job, not the Ministry job."

"Figured as much. Remus told me once that my mum was brilliant at drinking, too. The whole pissed-to-sober in under a minute transformation."

"When did you and Remus get the chance to talk about your mother's drinking habits?"

"Oh, you know. We talked a lot for a bit there between the end of sixth year and the time I went camping."

"So that's what you call it now? The horcrux hunt has been reduced to 'the time I went camping?'"

"Well, sure. That was more important at the time. Now other things seem to matter more. You. Being married to you. Having sex with you, that kind of thing."

"You are so bloody single minded."

"And you love it. You love it so much that you're just wishing I were a teensy bit more sober so you'd feel OK about doing all the things you want to do to me right now."

"Yes, Harry, you're one hundred percent correct. I want you, all of you, right now, in all the least appropriate ways possible."

"Well, come over here and get me, then."

"Can't. Still making you tea."

"I swear it doesn't work for me."

"You haven't gotten sick after eating toast and drinking tea yet. I don't want to mess with a good thing here."

"Done yet?"

"How much sugar?"

"You already know."

"Yup. None. Alright, here we are."

"OK. I took a sip. I ate a piece of toast. Shag me now?"

"Good God. You're insatiable."

"At least cuddle me a bit, then."

"Finish your tea, finish your toast, and then we'll reconvene in the bedroom."

"Or you could just, you know, stay here. With me. Until I'm done. And I can look at you longingly and make my eyes all big and it'll entice you into taking advantage of me."

"It doesn't count as taking advantage when you're begging for it."

"Fair point."

"But you'll stay here?"

"Sure."

"Brilliant. I love you."

"You've said that a few times."

"I know, but this time I mean it, see, because I've had tea, and I've had toast, and it's been long enough that I can say I'm more than half sober."

"Oh, well, in that case, I love you too."

"And it's probably best that we just cuddle anyway. I may be more than half sober, but I can't imagine I'd be in top form doing anything else."

"You weren't last time you drank, either."

"Oi!"


	7. Izzy

(High pitched barks, whines, and whimpers.)

"I don't know how we'll ever decide."

"On a name or a puppy?"

"We've been over this, Harry. The puppy's name is going to be Trevor, regardless of gender."

"Yes, we have been over this, and no, it's not going to be Trevor. And I meant which puppy. They're all so ... ugh. I can hardly even look at them."

"I know. Let's go inside, alright? Make our intentions known to the shopkeep. We want one of these puppies, and we want it now."

"You're so sexy when you're stern like that."

"Have you ever found anything I've done unsexy?"

"I'll get back to you on that."

"Hello, boys!"

"Luna? Luna Lovegood?"

(Rushing and embraces and general merriment.)

"A pet shop, then? I suppose that's about right. You were always so interested in unusual animals."

"Yes, and housecats and domesticated dogs are about the strangest of all. Did you know that they can see ghosts even when the ghosts have cloaked themselves?"

"I'm sure they can. We're looking to get a dog, actually. We're going to name it Trevor, after my toad, rest his soul."

"No. We're not. We're getting a dog, yes. But we're not naming it Trevor. We're naming it Ignotus."

"Ignotus? After the Peverell brother? That's terrible."

"Well, we'd call it Iggy. It'd be cute."

"Why didn't you just say Iggy in the first place, then?"

"Because Ignotus sounds more regal. Are the puppies in the window for sale, Luna?"

"Yes, although I'll warn you, stay away from that little black one. He has a tendency to attract Wrackspurts."

"Right. Of course he does. Oh, Nev, look at this little guy! What kind of dog is he?"

"That's a border collie. I've been calling him Romulus, but you could name him whatever you wanted, of course. Even Trevor."

"Don't encourage him, please. Can I pick him up?"

"Sure."

(The distinct noise of skin being licked by something fairly disgusting.)

"Oh, look at that, Nev, he loves me already. You do, don't you? Don't you?"

"I've never seen him like this before. It's a bit alarming. Does he always behave this away around something cute?"

"No. He seems to think I'm adorable, and I never trigger this reaction. Around the time Ron and Hermione's babies actually got past the infant stage and became cute, it was close, I suppose. Not this level of whatever it is he's doing, though."

"Oh, come off it. You hold him and see if you don't melt into a puddle of sunshine and rainbows."

(More licking.)

"Oh. You were right. Sunshine and rainbows indeed. This is the one, Harry."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Brilliant. What do we need, Luna?"

"Well, a cage, I suppose."

"We're not keeping Maximus caged!"

"We'll have to sometimes. The greenhouses. Sleeping. You know."

"Fine. A cage. Food, I'd suppose. Bowls for food and water, some toys, a collar, a leash..."

"You're good at this, Harry. You could do my job for me."

"Thanks. Anything else?"

"You covered all of it, really. It's going to cost a bit."

"Believe it or not, Luna, Harry has—"

"We can cover it, I'm sure."

"Hey, Luna's never heard how many vaults you have at Gringotts!"

"Yes, and she doesn't need to know. The world doesn't need to know."

"I don't care much about money, anyway, which should be obvious, given that I work in a Muggle pet store rather than accepting a job offer from the Ministry, of which I've had six."

"You're an odd duck, Luna."

"I know."

(Money changing hands, goodbyes, and the cracking noises of Disapparition and Apparition again.)

"Well, he seems to like your roses, Nev."

"A little too much, I think. Did we really have to let him loose in the backyard straightaway?"

"I thought it would be fun for the little guy. What are we going to name him?"

"Well, if Trevor's out—"

"And it is."

"Then I have no suggestions. Just not Maximus or Iggy."

"You hate all my ideas."

"That's not true! I liked the idea of getting a dog rather than adopting a kid."

"Speaking of, we're babysitting Rose and Hugo this weekend."

"Joy."

"You love them and you know it."

"True. Not as much as I love this little nameless guy, though. What are we naming him?"

"You don't like Iggy."

"No."

"How about Izzy?"

"Izzy, huh? That's cute. Kind of goofy. Like him, with the running into the tables and the flowers and the like. Sure. Izzy. I like it."

"Alright, then. This is Harry and Neville and Izzy's house now."

"I think you mean Neville and Harry and Izzy's house."

"Which one do people use when they're talking about us?"

"The one where I'm first. Breadwinning and all that."

"Nev, we make exactly the same amount of money. And if you want me to talk about my three vaults at Gringotts, I can do that."

"Well, fine, maybe it just sounds better that way."

"Alright. Neville and Harry it is. Think he'll sleep with us?"

"I hope so."

"Think you'll sleep with me now?"

"Smooth."

"I know."

"Let's bring him in and let him explore the house and—"

"Shag?"

"With you around, what else would we do?"


	8. Death By Shagging

"What are you thinking about?"

"Richard Hammond. Right fit, isn't he?"

"That's why you told me to cut my hair like it is, isn't it? Because it looks more like his?"

"Harry, I didn't say he was fitter than you."

"True."

"But it might have had something to do with it."

"Git. What are you really thinking about? You've got that look on your face like you're thinking really hard about something."

"Well ... kids, I guess."

"Kids?"

"Yeah. Kids and you and me and whether we're ever going to have them, what that would be like, that kind of thing."

"We haven't talked about it in a while, have we?"

"You still feel the same way?"

"I don't know. I think about it sometimes, too. I mean, we're pushing 30, right?"

"Don't remind me."

"And we love being with Rose and Hugo. We got reminded of that tonight."

"I don't think it would be quite like that if we had our own."

"So you want our own, then?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I don't even know what we'd do if we did."

"Andromeda Tonks has an orphanage. Or, you know, a surrogate, something like that."

"Whose sperm would we use?"

"We could mix it together, see what happens."

"Can you do that?"

"Hell if I know. We mix ours pretty often."

"You're vulgar."

"I know. It's how I'm holding onto my youth. Anyway, I wouldn't mind skipping the whole infancy phase, would you?"

"No, I guess I wouldn't. So adoption?"

"Adoption. Are we really making this decision over an episode of _Top Gear_ on Ron and Hermione's couch?"

"The fact that we're making a decision at an odd time in an odd place shouldn't surprise you. It's kind of our thing."

"True. Marriage, we decided on that after Bangkok Delicious botched our order and you cheered me up by going to China Max and buying me six sweet rolls."

"And staying in Grimmauld Place instead of buying a new house, we did that at the zoo."

"Really, the most normal place we ever made a decision was in a bed in Gryffindor Tower."

"We should reenact that sometime. I don't think anyone would notice if we sneaked back into the castle."

"Sounds like a suggestion I'd make."

"Well, you know what they say, the longer you're married, the more alike you become."

"It's been eight years."

"I know. God, we're old."

"Only 28."

"I guess I should convince myself that's not particularly old."

"I'll help you by showing you how flexible I still am."

"No matter how old we get, you're not ever going to focus on anything but when you're next going to get laid, are you?"

"Never. So should we give Andromeda a call?"

"Let's give it a week or two, see how we're feeling then."

"You think you'll change your mind?"

"No. I just want to mull it over is all. One of us is going to have to quit our job, you know."

"Or both of us."

"You think we could do that?"

"Need I remind you of how much money we have? We could handle some leave, Nev."

"This is definitely getting too serious. We need to distract ourselves."

"Alright, have our fuck, marry, or kill opinions changed on the _Top Gear _hosts?"

"Of course not. You shag James May, you marry Richard Hammond, and you murder that bastard Jeremy Clarkson."

"We should play that game with our friends instead."

"A group game?"

"No. I mean, which of our friends would we shag?"

"Give me my options."

"Let's start with women. Ginny, Hermione, and Luna."

"Oh, that's rough. I don't think I could kill any of them."

"You have to."

"Fine. I'd sleep with Ginny and marry Hermione and I suppose I'd kill Luna."

"You're way out of order on this. Personally, I'd shag Luna."

"Why's that?"

"I bet she's an animal."

"Fair point."

"Alright, men, then. Ron, Dean, and Draco Malfoy."

"Too easy. Shag Draco senseless, marry Ron, and kill Dean."

"With you there. God, he's fit, isn't he?"

"So fit. I might consider marrying him just so I could do it over and over again."

"You should be grateful I'm not the jealous type."

"Same to you. You just agreed with me with more enthusiasm than I've seen out of you since last night."

"Your attraction to other people is something I find completely inoffensive."

"As it should be. You know you're the only person I'll ever actually love."

"Oh, don't do this, Nev. You do this and I'm just going to want to make sweet, sweet love to you on this couch, and Ron and Hermione will come back while we're mid-coitus, and the four of us will die from the trauma of the experience."

"It would be worth it, wouldn't it? Death by shagging."

(The crack of Apparition.)  
>"That would be a lovely way to die."<p>

"What would be a lovely way to die?"

"Hi, Ron."

(Second crack.)

"Harry's just pointed out that if you came back while we were shagging on your couch, we'd all die from the trauma, and then people could say that he and I suffered from death by shagging."

"But we wouldn't really be suffering, see, because we'd be making love to each other."

"Have you heard enough yet, Ron? Because I think I've heard enough."

"Why, yes, Hermione, I think I have. How were our children, then?"

"Harry wouldn't let Hugo win a single game of Exploding Snap."

"The little prat's a sore winner. He needed a lesson taught to him."

"And Rose was fine, though I don't think I can handle a single round of dress up ever again."

"They're in bed, then?"

"Have been for two hours. How was the film?"

"Better than watching that _Sesame Street Live _recording again, that's for damn sure."

"What do we owe you?"

"Why do you even ask when you already know the answer?"

"Fine. Go. Shag, as I know you want to do."

(Goodnights all around; the Apparition crack, and prolonged silence, followed by laughter.)

"What's funny?"

"They know us well, don't they?"

"Don't interrupt this by talking about Ron and Hermione, Nev. That's a surefire way to kill the mood."

"Fine. Fine. You go feed Izzy and I'll get in bed and practice my come hither look and my throaty voice."

"Do that. Someday it'll be sexy."

"We can only hope."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, especially when you're doing chores and being cute."

"The latter is always."

"I know. Me too. You knew that already, though."

"I did. Go feed the dog. I'll miss you."

"Wait with bated breath, my dear. Your knight in shining armor will be bag as soon as he's fed and watered the trusty steed."

"Just do it. Otherwise I'm going to have to help myself out, and we wouldn't want that."  
>"Never. Did I mention I love you?"<p>

"Did I mention I love you back?"

"Yeah, I think you did. But that doesn't mean I'm sick of it. Not yet. Not ever."


	9. Kenna

"Nev, she's so beautiful."

"I know."

"I can't believe how she looks kind of like us, even with none of our DNA at all."

"Well, we did it on purpose, didn't we? Soon as we saw a little girl with green eyes and brown hair and a big nose..."

"Your nose isn't that big. How often do I have to tell you that?"

"Don't worry about my nose. Let's just look at her some more."

"Fine by me. She's been here three weeks, and I'm still not bored of it."

"And you know what's really brilliant about both being dads?"

"It's that when she says 'Dada,' we can pretend she's referring to you or me or both of us?"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"Maybe she'll never show preferential treatment."

"God, I hope not."

"What, you think she'd prefer me?"

"Well, you are the Chosen One."

"Git."

"Don't say it too loudly. She'll hear you and repeat it."

"Oh, I want our daughter to insult us and use as many assorted vulgarities as she can. I think it'll be absolutely adorable if she's calling her Aunt Ginny a bint by age four."

"I'd argue, but you're probably right. Doesn't she know I want her to wake up? Think if I say her name enough times she will?"

"Try it."

"Kenna. Oi, Kenna. Wake up, will you? I want to see you smile."

"I don't think you're saying it enough."

"Well, I'd chant it, but that seems like it would sound a bit eerie. Like I was praying to her or something."

"What's the problem with that? You practically worship her anyway."

"So do you."

"I know. Oh, hey, it worked. Want to hold her?"

"Since you offered, you can do it first."

(Faint cooing, followed by chuckling.)

"Think she knows how funny she sounds when she does that?"

"She doesn't know much of anything, does she? God, she's so warm, Nev. Think she has a fever."

"She'd be crying a lot more. No, she's just being a baby. They're basically living space heaters"

"She's not going to be a baby for nearly long enough. I could go through this phase forever."

"You could? With the waking up in the middle of the night and the dirty nappies every third hour?"

"Well, now that you mention that ... it's just, she's already nine months old."

"Still a baby for a while yet, Harry."

"I guess you're right. Want a turn, then?"

"Sure."

"You have to kiss me every time I pass her to you, and the other way around?"

"Yeah. That's a rule. We have to remember to kiss. Otherwise we're going to start fighting when Kenna wakes up and neither of us want to do anything about it, and it'll turn into real serious rows and in no time, we'll be splitting and you'll probably take Kenna because, let's face it, you just seem more paternal to me."

"That's not true at all! You're so much more relaxed. And you look more like a dad."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't know. You just do."

"Anyway, kissing. Let's keep doing it, alright?"

"Fine by me. Is that my cue to put her back down?"

"Sure. Give her _Babbity Rabbity_ and Titus McWellington Bear—"

"How come you got to name him, by the way?"

"And put her down, because she's obviously too tired to actually stay awake."

"It is funny that she literally rubs her eyes with her hands when she's sleepy, isn't it?"

"It is. I wish you'd do that. It would put off all the times we've had lackluster sex."

"By which you mean never."

"Of course I do. Come here."

"Mmm. See you later, Kenna."

"Bedroom?"

"Honestly, Nev, I don't know why you even ask anymore."


	10. Testing The Strength Of That Charm

"Kenna, I already told you this. Just because Healer Dugan calls me Harry, that doesn't mean you can too. I'm still me. I'm still Daddy."

"OK, Harry."

(Door opening, the noises of quick pecks on the cheek.)

"Hello, Kenna. Hello, Kenna's daddy who I'm definitely not going to call Harry. How was Kenna's appointment?"

"Great. She's healthy as ever."

"And the Healer gave me a lollipop!"

"Are they supposed to do that? Isn't it a bit counterproductive? And why were you so eager to go back for another appointment?"

"Oh, well, you know. It's important Kenna's healthy."

"And your crush on Dugan doesn't hurt, I'm sure."

"Oi! I don't have a crush on him. I don't have a crush on anyone."

"Harry, we've talked about this. It's completely OK if you have a thing for another guy. Just so long as he's not as cute as I am. Or as good a dad. Right, Kenna?"

(Giggling.)

"Well, fine. He's alright, I guess."

"You can do better than that."

"Fine. He's great and Kenna loves him."

"The Healer looks like Daddy."

"He looks at Daddy? Well, he should. Your daddy's very handsome. I like looking at him, too."

"No, he looks like you, Daddy."

"Does he?"

"Oh, God. He does."

"You have a crush on another man because he looks like me? Harry, that's so sweet. And so pathetic. Isn't Daddy pathetic, Kenna?"

"What's pathetic?

"It's what I am, Ken. And yes, he does look like you. He's got the hair and the cheekbones and even the eyes. But there's a lot he doesn't, too. That's why when he asked if I wanted to get a cuppa after our appointment, maybe this evening, I said no. He doesn't have the lazy half smile or the jaw line. Or the hands. You've got great hands."

"He asked you out?"

"He tried. Then he looked really embarrassed when I said something about my husband. Kind of remembered who I was then, I think."

"I'm glad you remembered, too."

"Please, Nev. Like I'd take some anonymous Healer with nice eyes over you."

"I think it's time for your nap, Ken."

"But I wanted to read!"

"I'll read to you a bit first."

"Both of you?"

"Sure."

(The crackling of a fireplace.)

"Or not. Just one Daddy for you, Kenna, I think. That'll be Kingsley. He said he migh be coming through the Floo with an assignment today."

"It's nice, isn't it? This 20 hours a week business?"

"I missed it. Though Kenna's still more fun than work."

"Of course she is. What do you want to read, Ken?"

"The new book!"

"The one about the teddy?"

"Yeah!"

"I'll see you soon."

"You need to kiss me before she goes to bed?"

"Course I do. Don't want any Healers snatching you away from me."

"Too right."

(Pause, footsteps.)

"'Lo, Kingsley. Come on in."

"Hi, Harry. Neville and Kenna aren't sticking around to say hello?"

"Kenna's had kind of an exciting day. We had a checkup with the Healer earlier, though I may have to switch Healers now. Anyway, she's ready for a nap, and it was Nev's turn to take over."

"Switch Healers?"

"He hit on me."

(Deep chuckling.)

"I don't suppose Neville would stand for that, then."

"No. No, I don't think he would. What's on the docket, then?"

"There's a fwooper infestation in the Isle of Wight that's gotten too out of hand for Magical Creatures. They want us to track down who's started it and find some kind of solution to stop it, plus muddle some memories along the way. Lots of Muggles seeing the damned things flying about."

"Alright. You need me in the office, then? Or should I go into the field?"

"Don't worry about it until Monday. I just wanted to catch you up on it and give you the case file. You and Neville both take Fridays off, don't you? Keep it that way. You probably work too much as it is anyway."

"I don't think that's true, actually. Nev makes sure that doesn't happen, and he's always been the harder worker between the two of us."

"The three of you seem very happy."

"We are."

"It's good to know."

(Footsteps.)

"Neville. Nice to see you."

"Nice to see you, too, Kingsley. Did I hear the word fwoopers?"

"Nev's uncle Algie used to have a fwooper. Dreadful pet."

"Why the ruddy hell anyone would want to infest an area with them, I have less than no idea. They can't really cause harm, except for the part where the singing drives people insane."

"Has that happened yet?"

"Only to one of ours, and they set him right back at the Ministry. Everyone's got earmuffs now."

"Good."

"Are you going today, then?"

"No. Monday. Don't worry, we still get our weekend."

"Right. I'll let you have that, then."

"Thanks, Kingsley."

(Crackling, followed by prolonged silence.)

"What's that for, then?"

"Just reminding you, you know. In case there were any lingering thoughts about that Healer."

"I already told you, Nev, he didn't have your hands. No one else does. And even if they did, I wouldn't want to test them out. Yours are better."

"I suppose you're asking me to use them now?"

"That's typically what I'm doing, isn't it?"

"It is. It's sick, really."

"Is Kenna asleep?"

"Three pages into _Corduroy_ she was."

"Honestly, I don't know why Ron and Hermione complained so much when Hugo was 4. Kenna's a breeze."

"She has been since she was a baby. I think Hermione might resent us for it."

"Hey, it's her fault, giving her children the Weasley genetic code."

"You know what genetic code is now, then?"

"Shut it. Or let me."

"You never have to ask twice, you know. I'm as willing as ever."

"Even now you're over 30?"

"Even now, over 30. And you are, too."

"You don't have to remind me."

"Did you put a Silencing Charm on Kenna's door?"

"I always do. Naptime is a precious time for everyone."

"I like the way you think, Mr. Potter."

"And I like the way you haven't stopped calling me that, Mr. Potter."

"Shall we test out the strength of that charm, then?"

"I think we shall."


End file.
